Анекдоты на английском

Английский юмор довольно своеобразен и не всегда понятен русскому читателю. Однако анекдоты на английском языке с переводом помогут понять, над чем же смеются в Туманном Альбионе. Не смогли понять смысл шутки? Не проблема! Перевод английских анекдотов появляется при поднесении мышки.


Playing truant from school is like a credit card.

Fun now, pay later!


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Teacher: "Rudolph, describe a synonym".

Pupil: "A word you use when you can't spell the other word".


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Teacher: "Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's".

Fred: "Of course. It's the same dog".


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Teacher: "Why were you late?"

Student: "Sorry, I overslept".

Teacher: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"


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- What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

- Finding half a worm!


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One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

- I did that by accident.

- I know that, daddy.

- How'd you know?

- Because you didn't say "jerk" afterwards!


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Two Americans are talking.

- What's the difference between capitalism and communism?

- That's easy. In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!


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At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted: "I'll give £150!"


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- What's the definition of a pessimist?

- A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.


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- When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

- It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

- Well that's because we aren't married yet.


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The little toe is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.


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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.


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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.


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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.


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A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English", says the doctor, "you're just lazy."

The man nods: "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."


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Two friends are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.


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Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.


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If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.


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Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.


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42.7 percent of all statistical figures are made up on the spot.


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Sharing is fun, unless its your own stuff.


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I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.


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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.


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No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.


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Two rules to success in life:

1. Don't tell people everything you know.


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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


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Father: "Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams".

Son: "No father I'll score 100% marks".

Father: "Why are you kidding?"

Son: "Who started?"


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At an astronomy lecture, the professor mentions, "In about 15 billion years, the sun will burn out and all life on earth will cease to exist."

- Excuse me, professor, did you say 5 billion years or 15 billion?

- 15 billion.

- Whew, thanks, because I was really getting worried.


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Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.

Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m".

Second driver, "It's ok, just go, there is no cops around".


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Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son".

Father: "What's that?"

Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating".


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A divorce court judge said to the husband: "Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."

"That's very fair,your honour," he replied."And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


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To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.

To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.


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To be continued!

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